Osemhen’s note: Historically, October is the month dedicated to raising awareness on infant loss. As a society, I think we have a lot to learn in how we treat grieving mothers (and grieving people actually). We try to empathise but many times, we say the wrong thing or make things worse for the bereaved. Especially mothers. I hope you find these interviews as helpful as I did. And if you’re a mum who’s lost her baby, I’m sending you all the hugs. If you ever want to talk about it, I’m here.
Tinuke’s* Story
I named my baby soon after I found out I was pregnant. If I had a boy, I was going to call him Oluwagbohunmi (meaning God heard my voice). If I had a girl, I was going to call her (Oluwagbotemi (God heard me). Fortunately, I found out I was having a girl. My expected due date was Sept 6th (plus or minus two weeks) but I lost the baby on the 12th of May 2018. I discovered I had uterine fibroids when I concieved, and that made my pregnancy complicated.
Do you prefer people to remember & discuss Baby with you or do you prefer not to be reminded? How did your friends and family react?
It depends on the situation that brings up the discussion. I’m happy that I’m alive to tell my story. Some women don’t live to tell theirs. Many people were sad, both friends and family. I don’t think anyone anticipated something bad happening. But who are we, that we won’t go through challenges? Even Job in the Bible went through his, and many of us have not even gone through a quarter of what he went through.
What was the most comforting thing?
The way my darling husband talked to me, also I had to comfort myself. I didn’t have to pretend I was happy. I just had to overcome everything through the Help of God and my family. Even my mother in law was very helpful…
What was the most aggravating thing?
People kept asking, “when will we come and eat rice”? How are the twins? I responded by saying, “At God’s appointed time, everything will sort itself out.” You doesn’t have control over what people say to you, you can only control your response.
What would you like others to know about going through this loss, and about supporting their friends/family members going through the loss?
Just give them time to heal. Don’t tell people who are grieving that God will do another one. Of course, God will surely do many more. I believe the sympathizer should ask someone grieving if they want to talk about it. By talking about it, they are healing
Is there anything you’d like to add?
Nothing more. I just want to appreciate this honour given to me. Many women and even men are going through this but don’t know how to go about talking about it. Thanks once again.
Oluchi’s* Story
I was 5 weeks pregnant already before I felt a bit off / bloated and decided to take the home test. It was positive. Excited is a mild way to describe the feeling because my husband and I were ready for another baby. I scheduled an appointment with the Ob/Gyn where the life growing inside me was confirmed.
At 8 weeks, I had another doctor’s visit for preliminary tests. All was good and I was instructed to return the following week for ante-natal visits.
Some days before the scheduled ante-natal class, I felt a sharp pain at the right side of my tummy, but it was an “off and on” pain.
On my way out of the hospital after the ante-natal class, it crossed my mind to discuss the pain with the doctor (I didn’t think much to it because the pain didn’t really bother me). I went to his office and after examining me, he requested an ultrasound be done.
There was no fetal heartbeat on the ultrasound and the fetus still showed 8 weeks (it was supposed to be 9 weeks). Since it was a “wanted pregnancy”, the doctor suggested we wait another week just to be sure and not rush to conclusions. We returned to the hospital the following week….no growth….no heartbeat….we had a miscarriage!
Do you prefer people to remember & discuss Baby with you or do you prefer not to be reminded?
Right now I can talk about it. I don’t want a constant reminder but I can discuss it.
Did you have to censor yourself in any way afterwards? (e.g. did you worry that some of your behaviour might be interpreted as excessive?)
Well, I think I tried to stay away…..I didn’t want people feeling sorry for me.
How did your family and friends act?
They tried to be supportive but I guess I indirectly shut people out…..at that point, I just needed only my husband…and he showed up!
What was the most comforting thing?
Having my husband around.
What was the least comforting thing?
Baby articles (I had weekly updates from Enfamil on the baby’s growth and development)…lol
Was there anything about the Nigerian attitude that you found especially aggravating?
People who keep asking when I’ll have another baby!
What would you like others to know about going through this loss, and about supporting their friends/family members going through the loss.
People deal with loss different ways…..everyone needs time to grieve….be sensitive….let them dictate the pace.
Anything else people should know?
13: Basically, be sensitive to people around you. You don’t know who’s going through what.
Are you a mama who’s gone through a loss? You can share your story in the comments (or email me: osemhen@blazersandbaby.com)
