Osemhen’s Note: Next week, we’re sitting down for brunch with Mrs. Rita Okagbare, and we’re still kind of pinching ourselves about it! We’ve followed her on Instagram (she’s @ritusunique) for quite a bit; we love how she’s such a solid role model for ageing with grace and confidence. Plus, her hat game is 💯 Honestly, when we think #grandmagoals, she’s the very epitome of it. If you’re in Lagos on October 1, you should totally join us for brunch with her (get your tickets here!) In the mean time, enjoy this sweet and thoughtful interview she gave us on being a grandmother.
My name is Rita Chinwe Okagbare (Nee. Mbanefo). I am a native of Onitsha in Anambra State. I schooled at the University of Benin for my first degree, and Queensland University of Technology, Brisbane, Australia for my Masters of Public Health (MPH). I got married on the 10th of February, 1990 to Paul, my “Prince Charming.” We are blessed with four wonderful children (2 boys & 2 girls), and two adorable grandsons. I am a strong advocate of self love.
What pregnancy/motherhood traditions or attitudes are you glad are fading?
Female circumcision and some postpartum rituals. For instance, the hot water treatment and massaging mother and baby with the belief that it makes them flexible and have a good structured body. Another tradition I’m glad is fading is cleaning babies with palm oil to prevent body odor. I also consider throwing of a baby in the air after baths as child abuse.
What pregnancy/motherhood traditions or attitudes are you glad are still going strong?
Omugwo, the traditional Igbo Custom for postpartum care by the mothers of the couple. The importance of this practice is that it helps the new mother ease into her new role through the experience of the “old mother.” I also love the social support new mothers receive from families and friends.
What pregnancy/motherhood traditions or attitudes are you sad are still going strong?
I tend to think but I might be wrong, that most pregnant women especially in the Igbo community receive no formal antenatal care. I believe there are several strong food and behavioral taboos associated with pregnancy. For instance, certain foods are believed to cause a long, difficult labor.
What do you know now that you wish you’d known as a young mother?
Motherhood — when I was young, and now, reveals all of my shortcomings; fears, worries, and weaknesses.
Thus revisiting every situation and trying to figure out what I did wrong and how I could have done it better was not a good parenting or even a good life strategy. In retrospect, probably most importantly, I needed to tell myself that there was absolutely no such thing as a “Perfect Mother/Parent.” Now, I realized that we all have flaws, and fail at / regret things despite our best efforts. But truly there’s nothing wrong in failing. Take the lessons learned and move forward. Just “Keep Moving.”
What’s your favorite memory as a grandmother?
The day my first daughter gave birth to our first grandson and the moment I held him in my arms.
Complete the sentence: I wish young mothers…
Knew that there is such a special sweetness in being able to participate in creation. Motherhood is the greatest thing and the hardest thing.
Complete the sentence: I wish young fathers…
Knew that to be a father requires patience, love and giving up the ‘all about me’ attitude.
Best parenting advice anyone ever gave you?
Never, never neglect your husband because of your children. Do what’s right for your family, not what others think you should. Trust your instincts; trust yourself.
You are the mom, do what you think is right. Stop making comparisons. Every child is different. What worked for one could be completely wrong for another.
What tips/tricks helped you keep your sanity?
Self love. Learn to ‘Say No’. This is often a hard one, but if you want to stay sane in our fast-paced world, learning to say no to requests that you simply don’t have the time or energy to do is a must. Be okay with imperfection. Simply letting things go a bit, can be so freeing.
My husband sometimes jokes with me that the world isn’t going to end if a certain thing doesn’t get done. And that is so true! Life will go on, and sometimes we need to intentionally relax about things in order to keep from being overwhelmed and stressed.
Prayer and turning to God always has a calming effect on me. And the nice thing about praying, is that you can do it anytime, anywhere!
How do you support your children during pregnancy and post pregnancy?
By sharing a healthy lifestyle, including physical activities, before, during, and after pregnancy. I also help with household chores, relaxation techniques, listening and encouraging my daughter to attend/keep antenatal appointments and pre-natal classes. It’s also good to assist in preparing the home for the new baby and being in the labour room, when practicable. From the onset, I spoke with my daughter about birth and planning for parenting. I was actively involved in caring for the baby and encouraging my daughter when she chose to exclusively breastfeed. I think it’s also a good idea to arrange holidays or leave from work to help with the new baby.
What virtue do you think is most needed as a grandmother?
Love.
What do you think your grandkids love the most about you?
The fact that they always find unique acceptance in our relationships, which benefits them emotionally and mentally. The undivided attention I give them and that I’m never in a hurry when they come around. We are also playmates and they always get their way with me. I am totally at their disposal. Having time to play games, read stories and, most important of all, to listen attentively to them.
What do you think about grandparents’ role in bringing up a child?
Grandparents play an important role in the lives of their grandchildren, though it is often indirect. Often times, the significance is through the support and help we give to their parents. Grandparents are often seen as “stress buffers,” family “watchdogs,” “roots,” “arbitrators,” and “supporters.”They’re very often role models and mentors They are also historians — teaching values, instilling ethnic heritage and passing on family traditions.
Having grandchildren provides an opportunity to do it again, to do it better and, in some small way, to make amends. It is that rare thing in life – a second chance.
Nobody looks forward to old age, but the gift of grandchildren brings an unexpected glow.
As far as I am concerned, one of the joys of being a grandmother, apart from the obvious fact that the role is part-time and often optional, is the management of stress. It is rather like the difference between marriage and a love affair. Parenthood, like marriage, is hard work, a lifetime’s commitment that brings pain as well as joy. To most grandparents having a grandchild is like being in love all over again.
Want more of Mrs. Okagbare? Join us for brunch with her on October 1, 2019. Tickets here!Want to know what we do at our Brunches? Click here to read about the last one.
